I'm a pretty positive person, but this week has definitely been trying. It has had plenty of good that I have been focusing on but I definitely need to vent a little.
If you read those first two sentences and decided to continue reading, I really appreciate that. So, let me preface all of this by giving you some background information. I live with my roommate Amber, our dog Lily, a betta named Bobby, my cat BooBoo KittyF**k (we just call her BooBoo) and two guinea pigs named Pebbles and Bam Bam. Amber and I are both "card-carrying crazy" meaning that we have serious mental illnesses that we have to deal with. I have severe clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder w/ panic attacks, and dermatillomania (aka compulsory skin-picking, dermatillomania is an anxiety disorder similar to OCD and trichotillomania characterized by picking of the skin often to the point of bleeding and/or scarring-usually the person does not even realize they are actually doing it). I've been on medication for years, attempted suicide twice, and was hospitalized once when my current medication quit working. I don't let my disorders keep me from living a happy, productive life (usually) and manage to take my medication pretty religiously so I (usually) don't experience any strange side-effects. Amber, on the other hand, was originally diagnosed with the same two as me, though as of this week that diagnosis has been changed to bipolar. I figured as much, and we have talked about it often. Her medication was simply not working and her mental state was not improving, she needed to seek new help and luckily found a great psychiatrist who is working with her to move forward. Amber is having a tough time accepting her diagnosis, she feels upset because there is a negative stigma attached to being bipolar.
This week was rough. There was tension in the house because Amber was having to deal with so much and I had my own problems. The apartment got dirty and I got sick which just made things worse. I tried so hard not to burden Amber or get frustrated this week because she was really dealing with some sensitive stuff and I wanted to be there for her. However, that does not mean I did not have some things that put me back this week. I'm just going to list them:
- I rarely sleep well (a symptom likely associated with my anxiety) and this week was no exception. I slept around 3-4 hours per night every night this week. I have been EXHAUSTED.
- There were no dishes because they were all dirty and piled up in the sink. Gross!
- The house smelled bad.
- I feel like I have no time anymore. I work at my unpaid practicum 20 hours a week (or more), am taking 15 hours at school, I have to clean and cook, I have SO MUCH homework in my social work classes, and this class's workload is killing me. I wish the assignments were all due by the end of the week instead of on different days. I feel like i'm seriously falling behind.
- I dyed my hair red, which would normally be awesome but this was my first time dying it since lap band surgery and I had not had my biotin (I take twice the maximum daily recommended amount to offset a strange effect of surgery- CRAZY biotin deficiency). This meant that when I went to rinse the dye out, LITERALLY half of my hair fell out. I used to have long, thick hair and lots of it. I still look okay and most people wont notice, but I notice and it was really terrifying pulling handfuls upon handfuls of hair out. I was sure I was going to end up bald by the end of the night.
- Something during my grief group triggered me and I ended up crying for a very long time because I was reliving the loss of my child 4 years ago. It's a long story, but I was a senior in high school, my protection failed, and I didn't know I was pregnant until I had a miscarriage.
- I've been really easily angered this week and i'm not sure why.
- We lost our freaking homecoming game.
- Today (Sunday) my computer screen crapped out. My laptop is busted and I have to buy a new one so i'm posting from the library for now. However, this does mean that I lost my storybook story (I write them in Word) as well as 2 papers that I need to turn in this week in my social work classes. Plus, laptops aren't cheap and i'm struggling as is.
- I am SICK. I think I have bronchitis, so I have to go to Goddard ASAP, though most likely wont get in until at least Tuesday. I've spent a lot of time in bed, and honestly, it's been hard to focus.
Anyway, I really needed to gripe and get that all off my chest. Here are some good things that happened this week:
- My bestie Ashley came up from Texas to visit!
- The Rah! Rally was pretty cool and it was exciting to be a part of history.
- We decorated the apartment for Halloween
- I made plans for my Dad to come up in November so we can golf at the Lake Hefner Golf Club. I don't really know how to golf, but he loves it so I think we will have fun.
B.A. Slaughters Reunited!
My photo with Ashley this past weekend.
Naala Cuddles make everything better
my photo
Our Halloween 2014 decorations
My fuzzy Nana Bear!!!!!!
I like to call this one... Shameless in Stripes
my photo in some tiger PJs I found at Mom's house
Also, here are my photos from the OU/TX game that I went to with my dad!!!!!
Big Tex!
Me and Dad at the TX State Fair
Dad in front of the fountain at Fair Park
Proud longhorn
Dad at the OU/TX game
A house (and fair) divided
My dad and me at the OU/TX game
All smiles with my dad at the Cotton Bowl
The two of us sat on the Texas side
The Pride of Oklahoma and the Oklahoma flag
Presented before the OU/TX game at Fair Park
Me reppin' the Sooners in a sea of orange
There's only ONE Oklahoma!
Oh Bria, it's all just overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? I wish I could give you a big hug over the Internet. And listen, first and foremost: bronchitis is no joke, especially when you are feeling down like this. So the sooner you can get to Goddard, the better! Bronchitis means you can't really breathe... and of course it sounds like you need to just be able to take a DEEP BREATH and let it all go... but you can't do that when your poor bronchial tubes are on strike! And I hope you don't mind me suggesting this, but the whole reason I have the points system set up like this in class is so that anybody can just take a C and pass the class without any worries at all, so if you want, you can wrap up this class with just a little work and be done: you already have 264 points (which is fabulous!), and you just need 320 for a C. So you could take a few weeks off in this class, or just do the assignments you really enjoy... anyway, in the long run the grade you get in this class doesn't matter at all, and you have got so many other truly important things going on that do matter! So think about that... I would feel terrible to think that this class is adding to all the stuff you are dealing with. I am thinking good thoughts for you, and sending you a virtual hug!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the picture of Shameless in Stripes! :-)